Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I hate when crying makes you throw up

Monday, April 27, 2009

A silly love song

It seems like
You brought the light in the darkest time
Because you see
I couldn't look in the mirror without
this shadow in front of me
I couldn't see through the lightest mist
But now I know
That silhouette was your body missing
The reflection shows
Our shining faces when we're kissing
Cause all I need
Is your comfort from the freezing cold
The ones I envied
Aren't even close to fit the mold
You and I can
Hold our hands through the night
And that's the plan
Cause our routine won't be trite
And honestly
I've never been this chipper
With somebody
Else in my entire life

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I'm Not Quite Sure What To Do

Tonight, it feels like it's over. It just seemed like we were just too different. I had a huge breakdown and I'm not quite over it yet. I left his house around 1 am just because he was pretty much asleep already, and I was not done crying. I didn't want to disturb him so I went home. He does really truly care about me. But I don't know if that's enough. I do feel safe in his arms, and he makes it easier for me to fall asleep. But if I take those two away, I don't know if everything else we have is good enough to stay together. He gets on my nerves a lot. I used to shrug it off and think of it as cute that we disagreed so much on trivial things. But now I just don't see how I can stay with someone who I seemingly have nothing in common with.

And to think this all started out on a dispute about if Halle Berry was hot or not.
Which she isn't.

Monday, March 30, 2009

A Hole in Your Hand

I do love you, but it's just not the relationship I dream about.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

There Is No Pearl In This Clam

It's really awkward to have such a huge crush on your new stepbrother.

Oh brother.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Let's Fall Back In Love

The way I'm feeling has no explanation. It's very hard for me to fall out of love. The fact that I love how people are is the reason. The small things they do, really. And since the memories last, and the fact that they still do these things don't change, it's hard for me to stop the way I feel. It was easy to stop loving Teddy because I didn't really love him per say. I was addicted to him. Obsessed, rather. There was not something he specifically did that made me fall in love with him. Or keep loving him however. Just the fact that he seemed completely uncommitted. And the more he kept pushing me away, and tearing me down, the more I wanted him. Simply because I felt like I couldn't obtain anyone else. And it was astounding how much he cared about me because I was such a pathetic thing. Anyway, this isn't about him. What I'm getting at is, when I love how someone does something, even the smallest of things, I can't not love them later. Because they continue to do it. Or be that person. It's a curse really, loving people for who they are. I wish I could just despise everyone. Then I wouldn't have this problem.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Oh How Silly

It's funny that the only time the people you desire for so long decide to show any interest, is when you're already in a relationship. It hasn't happened to me that often but it seems like this time around, it's happened a significant amount. I started dating my boyfriend a little over two months ago and since then, two people I used to have huge crushes on has shown interest in me. For the first time. One being completely sexually, and the other has just basically poured his soul out to me about his deepest fears and insecurities. Other than those two, one of my good friends who I had a history with for a while ended her relationship with her girlfriend pretty recently and told me that if I wasn't with my boyfriend she'd want to get together with me. It's just random and unexpected really. From all parties. I don't know, I just wish they all had better timing I guess. But I suppose that's why they're approaching me right now.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Cleaning Out My Closet

So currently I'm cleaning my room for the first time in a while. It's been pretty messy to say the least. And I suppose you could say that cleaning up my room is a metaphor for cleaning up my act, really. I'm tired of being so cynical about friendships, relationships, life, and everything in between. There's a reason optimism exists and I should start embracing that outlook. I'm not trying to reinvent myself or anything, I actually am pretty content with who I've become, I'm just trying to continue who I am with a happier point of view. So instead of a new beginning, this is a new continuation.

Here's to my new continuation!

Bitches Be Crazy

So for the first installment of my wah wah whiny posts -

It's been a rather pleasant year thus far. I have grown and matured a lot through the years. I have experienced many different kinds of relationships with friends and more than that. I thought I had gotten through all my insecurities that I gathered from my previous relationships but alas, it seems that is not valid anymore. You see, I used to be so scared that my significant other would break my heart (understandably) and I'd be a paranoid and invasive bitch to them. Most of these things came from my relationship with Teddy and I thought I had gotten over them through my time of being single. I felt like when I was single for that while I found myself, I gained my independence, boosted my self-esteem, and was completely content with either being alone or with another. But now as I'm in a serious relationship and falling hard, all these new insecurities I haven't thought about before are surfacing. Because of that independence I gained it's hard for me to feel vulnerable. Therefore, I don't seem to desire to really give myself to my boyfriend or really fall too hard for him. Of course that becomes complicated when I in fact do feel very much in love with him. And this all is very horrible because of said insecurity, it makes me act out. Every time I feel slightly vulnerable I act as if I don't care about this relationship, or him for that matter. I don't want to let show that I actually can get hurt if this thing ends any time soon. When I was single, in the most conceited way, I felt pretty much like a badass. That I didn't need to be in a relationship and in one way or another, I was better than people in relationships because I was 'above that' in some way. I wasn't all 'goo-goo' over some guy and I didn't like that mushy romance bullshit. And now since I am pretty much goo-goo over my current boyfriend I feel a bit of a hypocrite internally. So since that's basically tearing me apart on the inside, thus brings out my insecurity of being vulnerable. So basically, I just really need to get over myself.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

New Year, New Blog

So I've gone from Xanga, to GreatestJournal, to LiveJournal, to Tumblr, and now I'm going to take on Blogspot. Tumblr will still be my main blogsite but that's just for fun stuff to post. I suppose I'll get back to my blogging roots and start that whole "And this is what I did today" bullshit. Let's see how this goes guys.