Monday, February 23, 2009

Cleaning Out My Closet

So currently I'm cleaning my room for the first time in a while. It's been pretty messy to say the least. And I suppose you could say that cleaning up my room is a metaphor for cleaning up my act, really. I'm tired of being so cynical about friendships, relationships, life, and everything in between. There's a reason optimism exists and I should start embracing that outlook. I'm not trying to reinvent myself or anything, I actually am pretty content with who I've become, I'm just trying to continue who I am with a happier point of view. So instead of a new beginning, this is a new continuation.

Here's to my new continuation!

Bitches Be Crazy

So for the first installment of my wah wah whiny posts -

It's been a rather pleasant year thus far. I have grown and matured a lot through the years. I have experienced many different kinds of relationships with friends and more than that. I thought I had gotten through all my insecurities that I gathered from my previous relationships but alas, it seems that is not valid anymore. You see, I used to be so scared that my significant other would break my heart (understandably) and I'd be a paranoid and invasive bitch to them. Most of these things came from my relationship with Teddy and I thought I had gotten over them through my time of being single. I felt like when I was single for that while I found myself, I gained my independence, boosted my self-esteem, and was completely content with either being alone or with another. But now as I'm in a serious relationship and falling hard, all these new insecurities I haven't thought about before are surfacing. Because of that independence I gained it's hard for me to feel vulnerable. Therefore, I don't seem to desire to really give myself to my boyfriend or really fall too hard for him. Of course that becomes complicated when I in fact do feel very much in love with him. And this all is very horrible because of said insecurity, it makes me act out. Every time I feel slightly vulnerable I act as if I don't care about this relationship, or him for that matter. I don't want to let show that I actually can get hurt if this thing ends any time soon. When I was single, in the most conceited way, I felt pretty much like a badass. That I didn't need to be in a relationship and in one way or another, I was better than people in relationships because I was 'above that' in some way. I wasn't all 'goo-goo' over some guy and I didn't like that mushy romance bullshit. And now since I am pretty much goo-goo over my current boyfriend I feel a bit of a hypocrite internally. So since that's basically tearing me apart on the inside, thus brings out my insecurity of being vulnerable. So basically, I just really need to get over myself.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

New Year, New Blog

So I've gone from Xanga, to GreatestJournal, to LiveJournal, to Tumblr, and now I'm going to take on Blogspot. Tumblr will still be my main blogsite but that's just for fun stuff to post. I suppose I'll get back to my blogging roots and start that whole "And this is what I did today" bullshit. Let's see how this goes guys.